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Like any good friend, whenever someone I know says something they'd rather not put their name to, I make it my personal mission to post it publicly on the internet. (Well, when I remember to write it down, that is, which isn't often.) What you see below has been slowly building for over five years.

"Well, duh... I'd kill the cat before I ate it..."
--Chris Nania

"I'm not getting smarter, I'm getting more secretive in my stupidity."
--Pat Eulberg

"Purple isn't my favorite color, it's my favorite word."
--Tony Adams

Peg: "You know what cows do? They chew their cud then swallow it then throw it up then chew it then swallow it again!"
Emily: "Oh! I've done that!"
--Peggy Eulberg & Emily Bichel

"Moooooooooo!"
--Emily Bichel

"Lets write about incest!"
--Jessie Powers

"I had hemorrhoids but my crabs ate them."
--Derek Shimming

"I'm a paradox!"
--Brandon Stock

"Screw the monkey!"
--Chris Nania

"I like Tuna!"
--Jessie Powers

"Unicorns kick ass!"
--Chris Nania

"My bra is hanging out!"
--Chris Nania

"I wish underwear models would come out of MY ceiling!"
--Brandon Stock

"I squeeze velveta cheese out of my butt!"
--Ryan Jopp

"Yeah? Well I've known myself longer than you have!"
--Robert Fey

"I like to play with the fish in my jiggly balls!"
--Tim Carney

"Well, I'm slow."
--Bill Gill

"I am god! I am king of the german worksheet!"
--Matt Z.

"Now my butt is like 5 sizes smaller!"
--Jennie Cutts

"I just thought of this: I have broken 8 bones in my life -- none which were mine."
--Tim Carney

"I like greased balls!"
--Sean Seamen

"Oh, I don't know; there are a lot of nice things in this world that're pink."
--Mr. P

"Yes, I am a Sado!"
--Derek Shimming

"...What's a Sado?"
--Derek the Sado

"I have exactly two nuts."
--Sara McTier

"Once I saw a tiger in the forest. He only had two legs. When I asked the tiger what had happened to him, he just looked up and said, 'hey kid, dont eat oatmeal.' The moral of my little parable is this: oatmeal=satan"
--Dan Mendrala

"How far can you just shut up?"
--Justin Dewsnap

"My name is David. I have a Cat Named Gary. 'Meow', says Gary. Meow, Indeed!"
--David Clark

"I wanna see some dick!"
--Travis Schwochert

"When I finally have sex, THAT'LL be the happiest day of my life."
--Lee Rowley

"I look like a pea!"
--Danielle Regalia

"I have 14 zip-up sweatshirts... wow, I'm like Jesus."
--Chris Nania

"Whack-whack-a-dilly!"
--Nicole Kukla

"She looks like she's good at something called... the bedroom."
--Thom Foellmi, watching Aeon Flux.

Kyla: "I wish I was a Dinosaur."
P: "No you don't, then you'd have to clean up after yourself."
Kyla: "no I wouldn't..."
P: "So you're just going to poo and leave it there? That's gross!"
--Kyla Beard & Mr. P

"You should sneak in all sneakily like!"
--Sean Seamen

"THE WORLD IS ACTUALLY FLAT, I FOOLED YOU ALL WITH MIRRORS!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!"
--God

"Better watch out or you'll get seamen up on ya!"
--Sean Seamen

"If you think my sister's hot, you should see my cousin!"
--Tim Carney

"Man... I wish I was handicaped."
--Chris, looking for a parking space in Madison

"Bite me with a stick!"
--Justin Dewsnap

Mr. Searock: "...and that's equal the power of about 1000 tons of dynamite"
Tim: "Psshhh.. that's nothing! You should see me on chilli night!"
--Mr. Searock & Tim Carney during chemistry class

"Shoot me in the head and I'll give you some bread and some lead and your motherfucking head!"
-Nicole Kukla

"Maybe Christmas, he thought, didn't come from a store. Maybe Christmas, he thought, came from pimps and from... women who work for a living"
-Mr. P

"I LOVE the Backstreet Boys!"
--Thom Foellmi

"My ex-girlfriend still has my balls."
--Brandon Stock

"I'm not going to masturbate to piggy hill!"
--Ryan Jopp

"I wanna be in bed with Michael Jackson. That would be really fun, don't you think? ...Being in bed with Michael Jackson, I mean."
--Thom Foellmi

"Jees-it's: the snack for the level-headed christian."
--Kyla Beard

"Damn virgins, not willing to drop a little ass for the priests who need it!"
--Summer Binkley

"It's a new kind of erotica... ME!"
--Robert Halstead

"My poor shirt; look at this: Gatorade, ketchup... I'm a slob!"
--Aaron Faul

"I'd breathe wrong and my pants would fall off!"
--Chris Nania

"Art, tanks, and procreation- what else is there to life?"
--Mr. P

"The Anna Nicole show is the television equalivant to the twinkie."
--Chris Sanetti

"Sometimes I swim so fast my elbows just burn!"
--Crystal Skye

"Keep your hands on your own breasts, please."
--Jon Good

"I like the way you think; can I be your pimp?"
--Aaron Faul

"Go look in the squirrel!"
--Emily Bichel

"I can fit 20 quarters in my belly button and hold them there."
--Jon Good

"I'm making a sacrafice to the crotch god."
--Kyla Beard

"I look like I have breasts! It's so cool!"
--Katie Austin

"I think I'm going to learn to play the tamborine."
--Robert Halstead

"I just realized my first crush was Tim Curry."
--Kyla Beard

"Oh! My penis is on the ceiling!"
--Robert Halstead

"I don't like passive boys who don't tell me to fuck off!"
-Summer Binkley

"Dog drool just... doesn't dry!"
--Nicole Kukla

"Yeah, well you're the square root of gay!"
--Aaron Faul

"Mmmmm... I want to eat myself."
--David Clark

"Enemas fucking rule!"
--Joe Collins

"Never let anyone finger you. Just say, 'get your fingers out of my cunt!' It's dumb, it doesn't work; you won't get off. So just don't do it."
--Summer Binkley

"Isn't it messed up when crap rolls uphill?"
--D.A.

"Hired assasians make life so much simpler."
--Collin Oswald

"Bend over, I'll give you a raise."
--Aaron Faul

"I'd carry a gerbil in my pants."
--Nicole Kukla

"Wanna be a pirate? Come join my naval!"
--Aaron Faul

Aaron: "Yeah, 'scurvey' is definitely the best pirate word."
Summer: "No way. It doesn't rhyme with anything -- you can't use it in a poem!"
Aaron: "I have scurvey. My furby went topsy-turvey. There's your fuckin' poem. Yeah, I'm a fuckin' deep guy."
--Aaron Faul & Summer Binkley

"I walk around with a vaccum hose because I want some of your sweet, sweet brain juice."
--Collin Oswald

"I like having lots of different things to stick in myself."
--Summer Binkley

"You know what's worse than Macs? The people who own them!"
--Bill Pelgorsch

"If you're a ninja, you got no time for pets."
--Chris Sanetti

"Hell, I'll land there and plant my flag. It's MY frickin' moon!"
--Jeff Wiessinger

"Where is Esperanto, anyway?"
--Jessie Powers

"I'm a guy, I'm stupid by default."
--Vjeko Konc

"And remember, still-borns are only to be eaten when they've outlived their usefulness as soccer balls and paper weights."
--Collin Oswald

"My breast is no longer sticky."
--Kyla Beard

"I'm 1/8 lemur, 1/8 fungus, and 6/8 crustation. When I turn 18 I must go into the woods and release my spores."
--Saul Meyer

"Bye-bye money, I'll miss you..."
--Ryan Jopp, hugging the Anime shelves at Best Buy

"Apples are good for semen... ...delicious semen."
--Saul Meyer

"Well, they all liked really ugly hats."
--Peggy Eulberg on the royal family

"I like to pretend I'm a pacifist but I know I'm really just a pussy."
--Collin Oswald

Saul: "Ooo! Look! A goat-dragon!"
Joe: "That's a serpent you stupid shit."
--Saul Meyer & Joe Collins at Great America

"Aww, it's gone all squishy."
--Collin Oswald, completely out of context

"I am the neghiborhood spigot fucker; that thumping you hear outside your house at night -- yeah, that's me."
--Joe Collins

"I'm like a six-year-old... a sexy, seductive six-year-old."
--Saul Meyer

"If you fall asleep in my car, I have the right to roll you out of it."
--Chris Nania, driving on the beltline

"My arms look like a feminist's legs."
--Collin Oswald, 2 weeks after shaving his arms

"It's a bitch being 16 with 2 kids."
--Some girl at Pizza Pit

"Fuck that's yummy."
--Collin Oswald at Yummy Buffet

"All girls should fall in love with me for my hair."
--Tony Adams

"Sean Connery's cool Scotish accent makes my pussy quiver"
--Saul Meyer

"Jesus be trippin' upside yo' grill!"
--Marc Gannon

"EAWW! I must remember that there are certain socks in the corner of my room, which I CAN NOT wear."
--Collin Oswald, putting his shoes on.

"Why is there blood on your tiki?"
--Chris Nania

"Just because I have a goatee doesn't mean I'm not a lesbian!"
--Collin Oswald

"It's kinda like a real time game... in real frickin' time!"
--TJ Pendragon

"Oh my God, I'm at least a level 6 retard!"
--Chria Nania

"Religion is fleeting, but tasty snacks are forever."
--Collin Oswald

"Oh no, my little donker fell off!"
--Scott Dierks

"Flowers are only good for two things: sickness and death."
--Jonah Rees